Putting your face on.

So, after a short break from blogging to move house, iron clothes, and knit socks, I’m back on my ranting high horse with something I’ve often thought about over the years: make-up.

The ‘classical’ application of makeup (eyeshadow, mascara, blusher, lipstick) has two functions. It hides blemishes (because grease, not having time to shower, bags under your eyes and dry lips are clear personal failures; what kind of woman are you if you don’t care about having a face full of spots? The implication, of course, is that women should always look their best…for who?) and it also simulates sexual arousal, to varying degrees (eyes wide, cheeks flushed, lips red). Don’t get me wrong, women expressing their sexuality is not a problem. But the idea of this being the accepted standard of beauty does not sit well with me.

I remember sitting in a lecture at college where this was discussed and a girl sat opposite me spoke up in a rather smug tone of voice saying “That can’t be true. My boyfriend says I look better without any make-up – he even tells me not to wear it when we go out.” Now, here I feel I should tread carefully. I have been told “Oh, don’t bother, you look fine,” before going somewhere. This, to me, carried no misogynistic overtones; it was a not-so-subtle way of telling me we were late. However an outright instruction not to wear make-up to me carries several disturbing messages (some of which could also be applied to the reverse scenario of trying to ‘tart someone up’):

a)      I have the right to decide how you look.  Your tastes and wishes are subordinate to mine; when you entered into a sexual relationship with me you gave me the right to own you and dress you like I would a doll.

b)      How you look is important to me. Of course sexual attraction is important; chemistry is important; during the first period of a relationship your instincts are all you have to rely on. And I freely admit that I would be upset if my partner thought I looked like the back end of a tram smash. But make-up is temporary, clothing is temporary. If you are with someone for any length of time, and if you are sleeping with them (in every sense of the word) chances are they will see you without both. If someone doesn’t like how you look at one particular moment, if they wait a few hours how you look will probably change. If seeing you with greasy hair and smudged mascara is going to shatter some ideal your partner has and change how they see you irrevocably, particularly when they are also aware you have a personality, then you may have to reconcile to the idea that you are on a hiding to nowhere.

c)       I don’t want anybody else to find you attractive. If you go out with your eyes all wide and your lips all red like that, some other person might realise you are beautiful and try and sleep with you. Clearly you have no control over the situation, I don’t trust/respect you enough not to imagine you would be seduced by anyone who walks by, so my only course of action is to make you uglier and thus further my possession of you.

d)      I feel like you could be improved as a human being if only you listened to what I say. I met my partner in a pub on a Friday night. I was wearing clothes and makeup that I still own and wear regularly. If he were to suddenly turn round and demand that I make all sorts of changes to my appearance, my first reaction would probably be “why is this not good enough any more?” The subject of trying to change people in a relationship is something I feel very strongly about and will probably produce a post about at some point, however I will say briefly that some forms of change are acceptable (giving someone encouragement to give up smoking) and some are most definitely not (stopping people associating with their friends, or being interested in something that does not concern you). Giving someone the message that you are trying to make them more attractive is not acceptable.

e)      I genuinely think you look better without makeup; and how you look reflects on me because you are my commodity. I don’t want my friends to think I’m going out with a slapper; I want them to be jealous of my attractive girlfriend. The only way I measure my personality is by who I am sleeping with, and you are a better asset to my social standing the more attractive you look.

Anyone saying ‘oh, you look much better without make-up’ should expect it to be received as a compliment, if it was meant as such. But they should not expect someone to be insanely grateful, or indeed to take any notice.